—
For Queen Mob’s Tea House

— The Nelson Evening Mail, January 24 1907
.

There is an injury called ‘tennis elbow of the heel’.

The rocks in the Sultanate of Oman are special.

Hitler only started all the Nazi bollocks because he was such a godawful painter.

There is no necessary connection between the poetic vocation on the one hand, and on the other exhibitionism, egoism, and licence.

Too much pudding will choak a dog.

In Tibetan there is no word for a mountain summit.

Stephen Merchant’s dad is stingy.

In June 2009 Edwin Rist stole 299 stuffed birds from the Natural History Museum in Tring, worth $1 million.

Francis Urquhart MP was a lieutenant in the Scots Guards.

Whether our first parent, Adam, had any pretensions to the art of pugilism, is involved in too great obscurity, at this remote period, for us to penetrate into with any possibility of success.

Only four US states require police officers to exhaust alternatives before resorting to deadly force.

The London International Palaeography Summer School offers over 25 courses in palaeography, codicology, and manuscript studies.

Samaritans answer 6000 calls a day in the UK. A further 15,000 phone-calls go unanswered.
.

— The Nelson Evening Mail, July 26 1906
.

The owl of Minerva flies only at dusk.

Though rare, there have been exactly 201 documented cases of spontaneous combustion.

J Sainbury plc is cutting 2000 Human Resources employees.

The collective noun for brown anchovies is a ‘finish’.

Typing and playing the piano can wear your fingerprints away.

Actors cheers each other up by exchanging bad reviews.

When a ship sinks, the crew are released from their oath of loyalty to the captain.

Translator and poet Paul Celan committed suicide in 1970.

It’s Van Month this October at Renault.

Just because it’s in the Guardian doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

The men of Crete are mostly fair, very tall, sometimes gigantic.

It looks very much as if Everton will be looking for a new manager in the morning.

Without George W Bush there would have been no President Trump.
.

— The Nelson Evening Mail, June 14 1907

.
The Sports Direct on Baker Street has actually closed down.

A fifty-five-legged creature would be a pentekaipentekontapus.

The best way to praise a poet is to write a poem.

Truth is truth and nothing which you can report can affect it in any way, though it may excite the emotions and allay the curiosity of a number of very ineffectual people.

The supposition that it is necessary to feed the Cobra Lily a piece of hamburger or an insect daily is erroneous.

Pairs of prime numbers that are 6 apart are known as ‘sexy primes’.

The battle of Waterloo was won on the playing-fields of Eton.

A man will don his jacket in the same way every day.

It takes thirty seconds to have a dream and thirty minutes to recount it.

Eight billionaires currently possess as much wealth as the world’s 3.6bn poorest inhabitants.

The United States Dictionary of Occupational Titles does not account for being a ‘Philosopher’.

Scuba divers roll backwards off boats because if they rolled forwards they would just go into the boat.

The code words in the system are pure guesswork. 

— The Nelson Evening Mail, January 6 1909

.
James Ramsay MacDonald became Prime Minister of Great Britain three times.

Water is a better conductor of sound than air.

A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be.

Maurice Ravel was responsible for the creation of Led Zeppelin.

Being a policeman ranks below farming, fishing, and being a binman in the UK’s list of most dangerous jobs.

The first actor to play Tinky Winky in Teletubbies was sacked for incorrectly interpreting the role.

Socrates outlawed the sale of black liquorice in a just society.

To be ‘hairy heeled’, meaning ill bred, comes from bloodstock breeding. A racehorse should not have too much hair about the fetlocks.

The Swiss Army has accidentally invaded Liechtenstein three times.

If you hear there’s a unicorn in a wood, don’t go there with a virgin.

American novelist Paul Auster has two books on his nightstand. He has finished both of them.

84% of people think that political correctness has gone mad.

Not all contemporary poets are from the North.

U. A. FANTHORPE was born in Kent.

BILLY COLLINS is the author of six books of poetry including… Taking Off Emily Dickinson’s Clothes.

IAN MCMILLAN is poet-in-residence for Barnsley FC.

TOMAS TRANSTRÖMER… suffered a serious stroke which left his speech impaired and his right side paralysed…. [He] continues to write, and play the piano – a number of pieces for the left hand having been composed specially for him.

OWEN SHEERS was born in Fiji.

VERNON SCANNELL was born in 1922. He studied for a year at Leeds University and served in the Gordon Highlanders in the Second World War in North Africa and the D-Day Normandy landings. He has had various jobs including teaching and a spell as a professional boxer.

—
* Answering Back, ed. Carol Ann Duffy