— The Nelson Evening Mail, Friday, July 17 1908
.

Sri Lanka has only 500 cases of the Coronavirus.

Germany has no elite universities.

There are a lot of porno videos featuring Scarlett Johansson’s face.

Mexico City is a good place to be an ankle-specialist.

The Spectator is the only magazine in history to print 10,000 issues.

Geoffrey Chaucer never earned a penny from his writing.

In the Maldives, they think all white men are the US military.

Søren Kierkegaard is the third-most-famous Dane, after Hamlet and Scooby-Doo.

Internet Explorer is an unsupported browser.

Simone Biles will not compete in the 2020 Olympics.

Boys are feeling much better.

Eleven Muslims have been into space.

There are potatoes in the Great Khan’s cellar.
.

— The Nelson Evening Mail, Saturday, November 17 1906
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Podcasts will soon be like porn.

The first three volumes of TS Eliot’s letters have been remaindered.

Confidence travels.

The door is a jar.

Roken is dodelijk.

Humans’ rubbish is the filthiest stuff there is.

The workmen’s compensation court is a small building.

Firemen and violinists have soup for supper.

A pack of veggie snacks weighs the same as one standard British Army rifle round.

Pink isn’t a very good colour for a football shirt.

Turkish dictionaries are half the size of Ottoman ones.

It is possible to commit mass murder and still die peacefully in one’s old age.

For elephants, follow the A4108.
.

— The Nelson Evening Mail, September 8 1908
.

Benedict Cumberbatch reads Oryx magazine.

A piece of pasta (dry) weighs essentially one gram.

A man can only care about so many things.

Labels are for clothes.

In Bosnian there are no words for fiction and non-fiction.

The eating of grapes has killed several Englishmen by throwing them into fluxes and fevers.

Allah does not like hearing the word ‘Allah’.

The shooting schedules in pornography are quite brisk.

Darryl Gerrity loves people, perhaps too much.

Washing machines live longer with cows on.

It’s all kicking off in Jamestown. 

Russian composer Dmitri Kabalevsky died on this day in 1987.

Two childhood friends in Honolulu have recently found out that they are brothers.
.

I recently made a joke about my pregnant wife – and found myself receiving several pointers.

‘Have lots of sex before the baby’s born,’ said one.

‘Watch loads of movies,’ said another.

Couldn’t we just watch porn, and kill two birds with one stone?

Yours, &c.

ASH Smyth, by email

—
For The Spectator