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The Top Fifteen Or So Wittiest Oscar Wilde Quotes – according to his Twitter output (last 24hrs)

1) ‘Think tattoos have to be bold and dark? Think again! Check out these stunning white ink tats!’ 2) ‘You can’t get your childhood back but you can recreate it! Check out these awesome recreation photos.’ 3) ‘Wanna see a real-life Barbie doll? This is not Photoshopped! You’ve gotta see this to believe it’ 4) [...]

How d’you make a Maltese cross?

Fuck his missus.

Hen-do

When my fiancée went out to her hen-do (the first one) I stayed at home, watched some rugby, wrote a poem, and did the dishes.

(After Kelis (for Scott))

My breakfast shake brings all the boys to the yard. They’re like: ‘This is some kind of post-Hemingwayan ironic machismo statement, right?’

That situation

where you’re chatting up some girl ever so casually in a pub or a library or wherever, really, for a good half-hour or more only subsequently to realise you have one of your girlfriend’s hairs – a foot long, reddish, with noticeable purple highlights – stuck somehow to the front right shoulder of your sweater.

Pleasure

The brisk humiliation of a girl who hits on you, whom you had once hit on and were rejected.

Why my ex-wife and I didn’t have that much sex

She thought it was normal to be in bed at 10 o’clock. I thought it was normal to be in bed at 10 o’clock. Pretty soon, it turned out there were two 10 o’clocks.

Couched

I am a textbook case of every neurosis to affect the 30-year-old male. Which is to say I think I am entirely normal.